I have been trying to keep away from the death of my mom in my blog but this week has been really hard. I have come to the realization that she was not going to survive this. The doctors had kind of hinted it to her, but they never did to me. The whole time she was sick I kept telling her she will be Ok. I sincerely believed that. I think she knew she wasn't going to be. That is so hard to deal with for me. I tend to be a very negative person on a personal level but try to help others be positive. I wish I had listend to the signs more I wish I had stayed with her when she asked. The look on her face when I left is one I will never forget. I feel like a parent who left there child in a time of need. I feel like I let her down. Now I know everyone will tell me different but its just how my brain is thinking right now and its so hard. I wish someone, someone other than my mom would have warned me how bad it was. I wish they had never done the 4th operation. I wish the doctor had caught what was really wrong. (Turns out it wasn't a pulmonary embolism but rather a clogged artirey in her heart.) I wish my mom was still here with me. I know everyone loses there parents at some point but I wish it wasn't so soon. She was my rock, my best friend. I had so much I wanted to share with her.
Now, I just try to find her in the little things. Like, dragon flies, dreams, cleaning the house at 2am like she did when she couldn't sleep. Stomping around the house lol, Holding a cup of coffee (or in this case hot chocolate), wearing my bathrobe around the house on cold mornings. These little things remind me of her and its nice to have them
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| Lastly it should be noted that the Dragonfly lives a short life, and it knows it must live to the fullest with what it has. This lesson is huge for each of us. When you see a dragonfly, be aware of the gifts it has to offer by keeping its animal totem meanings in mind. |
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