Ok ok so Insomnia is bad I admit. I promised the next post would be on what I wouldnt change but its 12:30 am and that post is for latter in the day. No really I need to vent so here goes.
I know that life isnt fair. I get it. I get it over and over again. But does that make it ok? Does that mean I cant have hurt feelings or be upset over something. No It shouldn't. And the fact is I do. I do get hurt I do get upset, often times more then I should. Like the Jewel song "please be careful with me, I'm sensitive" its very true! So really how come it feels like I build my whole life trying to do what is right trying to live the way the prophets teach. And why am I failing miserably? My husband says it is because I fail to look at the light in the dark. Its true I am not very good at that. But no really I kicked my tushy to get here where I am today. I struggled daily life for me has been like pulling teeth with no Novocaine for me on a regular basis. No real reason why just has. But then I kick my butt to get here and I see people left and right get handed gold on a platter with no trial. What Am I doing wrong? what did he or she do to deserve that? I JUST DON'T GET IT!
I watched my parents struggle with financial issues when we should have been fine. I know the things bad spending can lead to and I have lived my life trying to spend wisely and save. Oh I saved! and yet people who purchase things on credit and get loans for non life expenditures with little saving and little struggle get gold? when I am left scratching my head begging to know why I can barely pay my bills, when I have done everything I can think of by the book, to the best of MY ability. Why am I not worthy and Why am I struggling so hard.
I know life will never answer most of these questions as Jim Carry said in his movie "thats the way the cookie crumbles" some people get handed gold well others get just the platter with nothing on it. I have seen it time and time again. And frankly I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING GOOD HONEST PEOPLE WHO WORK HARD AND STRUGGLE get nothing!
OK I am done for now... Phew I just had to say it.
And I will own up the fact the Lord has blessed me with: A wonderful family an amazing husband our health and opportunities. But I still wish I knew what I was doing wrong. More importantly I wish I could be stronger. Strong enough that this jealousy would go away. This anger this resentment wouldn't be an issue anymore. I honestly HATE feeling this way but I don't know what to do I dont know how to get out of my crazy head to a point where I can be happy for those who get gold.
p.s I also have an issue with those who look down on my dreams. those who tell me "why would you want a house that small or a home in the Ghetto" yeah really sorry kid not ALL people can afford what you can and some of us have to work hard for it. Grrr.
I will pray every day that the Lord can give me strength to not be this bitter and jealous. And to be able to do what is right and what I need for me. And to accept that.
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