At least according to me.
I have always been a person who hates change. I cried the day my parents put up a new fence in our backyard! However, in my twenties (and remember im not even half way through with them). I get this incredible sense that its about being free. Even though I am married I dare say about being free from commitment. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE my husband more then any person I have ever met. But in the last couple months I have been having that adventurous itch again. That itch to go travel the world, do something outside my comfort zone. I wonder about changing schools, changing my degree changing my hair color and so fourth... It has been a lot about change.
Since I left for school in 2005 I have moved 3 times not counting the moves back home. I have gone from Montclair NJ, to Oswego NY to Putney VT to Salt Lake City UT. Only once during those moves did I feel I could actually have stayed there forever and that was Vermont. But in all reality there was nothing left for me there at that time maybe sometime in the future. And once again I am getting the feeling to go move. This time I have no clue where and I don't really have that option. I have to buckle myself down and actually finish school, I am just starting to see the little light at the end of that tunnel of college. I have always been a person on the road (even though I never learned to pack light). I cant remember my first plane ride I know I was under a year old and since then I have been on at the very least one plane ride a year. Then there were the road trips my family would take. Always drama and always fun. And when we couldn't get time off we would take weekend adventures or 3 day trips to places like Boston or Ithaca NY. I miss this. Unfortuantly another aspect of being in your twenties is perpetual "brokeness". So those little road trips have been put on hold till we can afford them again.
This whole urge to get up and leave is one of the very few things stoping me from buying a house or having a child. As much as every sunday I see a kid and I get jealous over my friends having babies I am no where near ready! I need my freedom! Thus making some issues with marriage. Not the baby part but the free part. Tying me down is a hard thing to keep. I have never been in a relationship longer then 3 months without getting bored. Somehow this man managed to keep me interested long enough to get me to say yes :). And I have no regrets about who I married and no doubts either. However, Sometimes I wish the question even perhaps our relationship had come later in my life. when I was more ready to settle down in one location. But sometimes we only get one chance and when he asked me there was NO WAY I was going to let this pass me by, for the risk of wanting to be free. I knew he was the one I just wasn't and still am not sure it was the perfect timing. But nothing is perfect and I cant change things I know there is a reason we are together and a plan and i know he is one of the best things I have ever been given. So please dont think I take him for granted. I am just trying to say, Marriage is hard, it can be even harder when you are young.
but back to my plan of being free. I WANT MY FREEDOM! I cant wait till I am done with school maybe I can be free for a few years then (probably not). In the mean time I need to find a passion and a hobby to keep me here and focused long enough to finish this college thing!
I have made a goal this winter. To go ski once a month at the least! I couldn't go last year for two reasons. 1. I was Broke (still am and broker). 2. I had a pretty messed up back. And although my back will always be messed up it is far better then it was 6 months ago. So dangint if I have to ski sugarhouse hill because I am to broke I am going to!
well enough of my thoughts for today. Maybe some more will come later.
Peace and Love!
<3
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