So in my life I look at everything by numbers. The hours that have passed the days that have passed the weeks that have passed. Today is week one. I spent the hour she passed away curled in a ball in my bed wearing her watch. I wanted so badly to have been there with her in her time if need. It kills me. She had asked me to stay, as if she knew something, and yet I choose to leave. I left my mother in her time of need. I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I just have to take comfort in the fact I know and she knows I love her more than words can ever describe more than one could ever possibly say. I know that almost everyone loses there Mommy at some point but I was not ready to let go of mine. I am not ready to let go of her. No one will ever understand the bond between Mommy and Daughter. We fought intensely and we loved more intensely. God this world is not the same without her. I only hope and pray I can live up to her status. That I can be as strong and as beautiful and as wonderful a mom as she was and is. I know she is looking over me watching me guiding me and is proud of me. I know she didn't "loved me" but that she "loves me". Because her spirit has not stopped but only moved on to the next step. I will love her more and more every day just as I always have and always will. She is my rock.
Every day I look for her voice in my head and her silly little quirks in my life. God this does not feel real. I only pray that there really is a heaven and that she is there. I must admit my faith is really struggling right now.
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